So here’s the deal: Lately, I have started to write on the blog and I get this weird feeling about the whole ordeal and end up scrapping my post. So for the first time, in a long time, I am going to let me feelings flow and not press cancel.
I think I might just hate the person whom I have become. I think about the free spirit that I once was. There was a time when I didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought about me. All I was concerned about is getting out there and having a great time. The truth is though, I don’t know fun.
When I sit and think about what it is that I like to do, I can’t say anything. What are my hobbies? I don’t think I have any. I just get by every day trying to maintain. It feels like I am stuck. Some days are awesome, but then the next can be horrible.
I guess I am too uptight and don’t know how to manage it. It was my time to schedule vacation at work and I couldn’t figure out when to take time off. Who has a hard time taking vacation? I don’t want to take it because I know I will end up sitting at home, alone, with nothing to do. Who wants to take a week away from people to be alone? Not me.
I need a vacation from me–The person I have become. I can’t do anything right and it makes me feel bad. I try to do the best at my job yet I find that I can’t produce. I want to show that I’m the best and yet I can’t do it.
I don’t think I’m good enough for Rudy anymore. I feel like his life is taking off and I’m just a weight that is going to hold him back. I’m just the lowly little bank teller who isn’t going anywhere in life. Maybe someday my life will fix itself. I don’t know. I try and fall over and over.
I just feel like I’m running out of options. In the end though, I’m not looking for sympathy or kind words. I just needed to put out there how I feel.
