Yes, it’s true that it has been forever since I’ve taken the liberty of making a posting to this blog. I’ve been thinking a lot and every time that I get here to write something amazing, I can’t find the words to describe that idea. Tonight though, I think I have hit the level I need to be on so I can get those words to flow for me.

I’m currently working for Wal-Mart. I really enjoy my job and I know that I’m doing a good job. Sometimes though, I just don’t feel so appreciated. Sometimes, there are some people that are issuing incorrect information and when you try to amend their mistake, they assume you are inferior and are trying to undermine their authority and embarrass them in front of the customer. I would never try to do that intentionally. Sometimes though, you must be humble to your mistakes. Your self pride cannot block a customer from getting accurate information and friendly service.

I recently wrecked my Mom’s car for trying to hot rod it when I didn’t really know how to control it. So basically I am suffering right now with her taunting of me about the car. I know it will stop soon enough after everything is all squared away. I have no intention of driving her car anymore though. It’s going to set me back $250 for the deductible, but isn’t bad considered that the one on my own car is $500. I couldn’t come up with that kind of cash, but the $250 won’t be so bad. I learned my lesson for this ordeal.

Sometimes, your family can let you down. I feel like I’ve really lost touch with them. It’s odd. I always have thought that when you had nothing, you would have family. Today, I start to feel like I’m wrong though. I would like to think that I can count on them, but as I move on with life, I start to feel less connection with them. I think I’ve totally lost my Sister basically, and that really makes me sad. Our communication is almost nothing now. My Brother, I think, dislikes me. I don’t know why he does, but I just get the feeling that he does.

Occasionally, I feel like I’ve been a disappointment to my parents. I know they had certain expectations of me as I was growing up and now, with my situation, I can’t live up to what they wanted. I know I’m doing as good of a job as I can, but am I really living up to what they want me to be?

I decided to make sure I went back to school now. School is going ok. I have professors that drive me crazy. Both of my Government professors are republicans who enjoy bashing the democrats, one of which I am. One of the professors made a lecture about same sex marriage and how a homosexual man is a woman trapped in a man’s body. Never have I been so infuriated with someone’s view about the homosexual. I have an English professor who has nothing worth hearing ever coming from her mouth. She expects all this work from the class when she leads us in the totally wrong direction. Then I have an economics professor who teaches direct from a powerpoint presentation and never leaves the beaten path. It’s a waste of my time going to that class.

However, I think this semester is going to be ok for me. I think that I can deal with the environment and I can make it through and make the grade. Just put me to the test. I deal with a lot these days and it is difficult to pull through everything, but I’m strong enough to make it. It’s so difficult trying to juggle school and work. I am the typical college student working though it. I hate that the military comes to our school, knowing that most students are in my situation, and try to recruit on the basis that they will provide the school after you are done with the service.

I’m trying to be a little less outspoken and a bit more quiet than I have been. People at work think that I can be too loud sometimes, and while I know I am, it bothers me when someone tells me. Whenever someone tells me that I’m too loud, it really bothers me and I typically become silent for the rest of the day. It effects my ability to provide excellent Customer Service. I struggle with my self-image because I worry a lot about what others will think. Just like everyone else, I just want acceptance.

Rudy and I are still together after 15 months, if you can believe that. Things are doing good between the two of us. I occasionally irritate him, but he must really love me a lot to put up with me and my ways. A lot of my actions are far from desirable but I’m learning to fix those things. Repair of myself is going to take a while. I have to learn to keep control. I quickly fly off the handle when I get irritated. I know I can change for the better if I will just hang in there and make it through it.

After a couple months, that’s all there really is for now. There’s nothing too exciting going on. I’m 19 now but it comes with no new and amazing rights or privileges so I wasn’t worried about making it a big priority to celebrate. I’m not even going to be excited for 21. Birthdays are so very blah for me. I guess they’re just not that big deal for me. It’s just another year older. What’s to celebrate?

See Ya Later, Ryan